Wait, why did I do this???

There is an interesting thing that happens when you are in cancer remission and awaiting a nearly inevitable recurrence. It’s almost like a bar above which is labeled “Glad to be Alive for This” and below which is “Did not Plan on This One”. Now, listen, I know everyone has good days and bad days. That’s not what I am talking about. I mean large scale events. Here are a few.

Glad to Be Alive For This List

Enjoying a relationship with each of my adult children

There is something really special about seeing your children grow and reach goals and at times watch them struggle and have the privilege of being able to help when needed.

Writing a book

WHAT? I cannot believe my book is complete and in the final stages with regard to publishing. I worry all the time that it isn’t interesting. There is the constantly prevalent concern about it not being “good enough”. I’m worried that its narcissistic to write a book about yourself. Anyway, it’s coming soon. And ultimately that’s a good thing.

Travel

I am looking forward to a trip to Scotland with my bestie this October. We will be in Edinburgh over Samhain/ Halloween. We will go to the Isle of Skye and see the Fairy Glens. This is a bucket list trip for me so I’d appreciate it if my cancer would do me a solid and stay away so I can do this.

Advocacy work

I have been working with the Ovarian Cancer Research Alliance as an Advocacy Leader and have been doing some testifying for the state legislature with regard to screening and prevention. It’s been incredibly satisfying to look at insurance bros who compare getting life insurance when you are BRCA positive to buying homeowners insurance when your house is on fire, and know that you are testifying afterwards. It’s fun to look at them and basically dare them to call me a 100% replaceable house that’s on fire. Despite the fact that I am NOT BRCA positive, my tumor is. What will you do with me? Suss it out gentlemen. Call me replaceable to my face. Do it. I assure you I am not.

Creatures

I know it sounds ridiculous but goodness gracious do I love Atticus, Morty, Ichabod, Tallulah, Hazel, Hex and Kingsley (who is not mine but my daughter’s). They are amazing beasts and I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Marriage

I so enjoy my relationship with my husband. We have grown up together, grown away from each other, and grown back closer than ever. I will never regret marrying him. Never. He is fun. I love when he comes home from work and the house feels like a home. I love when he wakes me to say good bye to me in the mornings. I love our private jokes and am grateful for the opportunity to make more of them. Example: when we went out to dinner on Saturday night there was a car in front of the restraunt trying to parallel park. It was a spot big enough for two mid-sized cars, yet this Toyota Corrola couldn’t seem to manage it. We peeked out the door as we were waiting to be seated and just chuckled. Look, I never claimed to be nice.

Now for the crappy stuff.

Did not Plan on This One List

The Fall of Democracy

I did not imagine in my wildest night terrors that I would have to live through another Trump presidency, let alone watch my friends lose their jobs left and right, witness the demolition of cancer research, see friends with ovarian cancer have their clinical trials cancelled which spells certain death, see the rights of me and my children disappear before my very eyes, and see the rise of a hate-based oligarchy against whom the entire free world has turned. Fuck all those guys and everyone who supports them. You are on the wrong side of history and you all have blood on your hands. Period. This was never about the price of eggs.

Generalized Owies

I have some side effects that I really didn’t anticipate. And I know I am supposed to just suck it up and be happy to be alive, but some days it’s harder than others. I’ve got some pretty hideous generalized joint pain, primarily in my back and hip. I have neuropathy that mercifully has escaped my hands but on occasion leaves me kicking my feet against things to get it to stop. (that doesn’t work, by the way.) I have to take medications for all of these and many more things. It sucks and I hate it. That being said, I recognize that I am privileged and have the opportunity to have a primary care physician who specializes in oncology patients. This is lucky.

Needing to say “No”

Because of the “owies” I often turn down invites. It’s not because I don’t love the people inviting me to do things. I dearly do. But sometimes my body just aches for bed. And I need to honor it and listen to it or I will pay doubly the next day. I struggle between trying to take advantage of every opportunity and taking care of my body.

In any event, I have made the decision to tell myself “well, this is what you’re living with. Suck it up and try and find a way to be present in the world, just as it is, and be grateful for the best of days.” I’m trying. After all, I’m alive.